All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
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As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least