[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
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There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help