Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
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Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?