“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
You Might Also Like
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
i meant to share this earlier
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™