Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
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roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™