‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
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Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Battery falling down a hole
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?