My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
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I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
#Caturday
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought