A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
You Might Also Like
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Finally!
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.