“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
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my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
They should hire this cat for L’OrĂ©al Commercial.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings