Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
You Might Also Like
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
those birds must be on payroll
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.