I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
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the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
lmfao come on
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible