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*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
I only treason on days ending in y
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.