When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
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Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.