Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
You Might Also Like
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Beware…..
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.