Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
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Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*