*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
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Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.