I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
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Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed