SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
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[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
I only eat vegetarians.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
She puts the hot in psychotic
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u