[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
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I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
#ParentingFacts
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.