10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
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Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
My first child will be named New Folder.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.