I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
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Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
The struggle is real.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.