If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
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I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
That’s not how days work.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.