amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
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Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Not recommended for beginners.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.