Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
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my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
did it work
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock