google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
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rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
bad news gang
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.