Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
You Might Also Like
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
#SaturdayBears
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Happy thanksgiving!
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist