Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
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when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis