Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
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GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Saw online –
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.