A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
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*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?