whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
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ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
sleeping beauty
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Feels
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”