Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
You Might Also Like
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.