brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
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My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome