I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
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20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.