I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
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Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Hey! This isn’t my car!
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.