Uh oh…
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My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,