Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
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infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?