“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
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“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
the chicken was already gone when I got here
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.