My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
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me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.