This squirrel eats better than I do
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It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
I’m too immature for adultery.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.