this is the news I live for
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Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then