[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
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Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
broke down and did it
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.