reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
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My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.