guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
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cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Meat Cute
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.