ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
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I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.