This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
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A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Is fake venison called venisn’t
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.