ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
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sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
New comic up. “Ransom”
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look