Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
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Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
The pasta is now
The opposite of goth is stopth.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
i can’t wait that long
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
then why did i get this email
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”