I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
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Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
hi why am I like this
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog