(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
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commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind