*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
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Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.